The screaming souls

The sound of the souls screaming woke me up. I felt how the fear choked me as so many times before. Trembling, I sat up in the bed. They were everywhere. With uncertain steps I went to the bathroom. How could a distance of 4 meters feel like a thousand miles when it’s dark? It felt like I was fighting my way through an obstacle course. I had to stay in focus. If I looked at the wrong persons they could drag me in to it. To everything. Sitting in the corner I closed my eyes and tried to send them away. But there was no escape. Why would there be? The noise became gradually higher, cutting through the air, and I could now hear the girl crying clearly. Don’t let them trick you. Be strong. She was now shouting my name. No, please no. You know what they want you to do. Don’t let them trick you. Do not play with them, you already know who is winning. I could tell of the sound of the footsteps that she was coming closer. Go away, I first whispered, but she didn’t. I was now screaming to her but it was like my voice drowned in my tears. She frustrated knocked at the door faster and loader than before. I kept screaming but my voice was inaudible. Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? I don’t have what they want. I never will.
The nights are worst. That’s when they all wake up, and they don’t stop until I give up and let them take over my thoughts and brain. My soul. No one can understand the terror I’m plagued by. The wound that’s eating me up from inside. The wound that never heals. I thought that it would become better as time went by. But the wound is just getting wider and wider. Deeper and deeper. It’s close to it know. It really is. I already know that they won’t give up until they get it.
Some days, when I sit in the park, I almost feel normal. Like any girl, just out for a walk in the sunshine. Listening to the sound of the twittering birds, watching the little children when they are playing in the park. Admiring the blue cloudless sky. Then, only then, I let my fantasy blow away, just for a moment. What it would have been like if my life was different from now. I had a lover, and a blond little daughter with big beautiful brown eyes. I imagine working, and when I come home, I cook a large great meal for my family. Everybody is laughing, and I see love in their eyes when they talk to me. Sometimes my daughter and I go to a meadow to pick flowers, to bring home and put in a vase. My house looks cozy. But I know, that in the bushes, behind the trees and below the clouds, there they are. Hiding. Waiting for the right moment to invade me. To invade it.
I hate the mirror. It tears me apart every time I go there, they come from nowhere. They stare at me, as they would destroy me with their look. Usually, I just run out of there, but if I stay and look back into their menacing eyes, my eyes slowly burn and becoming darker and darker. I’ve never stayed for more than a minute, because I know that then, you’re stuck. I don’t want to become one of them. But I don’t want to be who I am either. My days consist of fear. Fear of the risk that someone will notice what I see, my secret. Fear of the risk that they will take me. Fear of becoming one of them. Fear of being stuck. Forever.
I have lost my mind. That is what they say about me. All of them. I’m the crazy women. The obsessed lady. I used to be popular. But when the wind of darkness overtook me, my closest friends and family flew away with the same speed. I had nobody. My look, my personality, my friends, my job. It was all gone. Without reach. So far away, I barely couldn’t remember it. Who I were. Before it began. All I remember is that I used to be beautiful. Now I was so far away from the surface, do deep below the top that I no longer cared. It was no idea. And my personality was totally gone. When the screaming souls, the ghosts, weren’t with me, I still couldn’t concentrate on anything but them. What I was going to do the next time they showed up. When it was going to happen. How I would make it. If I would.
Sometimes there are weeks before they come back. Once, I almost thought that I was cured. That they had left me for good. I sat in my kitchen, having dinner. It had been two weeks without them. In the beginning, I just thought that they were taking a break, but when one and a half week had past, I started to feel hope. But that was pointless, which I should have known. Halfway through my spaghetti, I realized it was moving. My food were no longer food, it had become living creatures. The souls were back. Suddenly I felt a punch in my stomach. They were in me, choking me from inside. Slowly but safety I became weaker and weaker. They were eating me up, they were hitting me and raping my inner. I suffered, more than I had ever suffered before. It was a plagued pain, a sore feeling, like there was a fire and they were burning me up from inside. I started to fly away, go with them. I was almost gone, when I started to puke. I saw them coming out of me angry and confused, flying around with no clue of what had happen, or where they would go. I closed my eyes, glad that I defeated them, despaired that I lost my freedom, that for a moment I thought I had won it back.
It had been like this for many years now. I could hardly remember the time when I was still free. When nights weren’t filled with panic, fear and attempt to escape. I remember how happy I was, I even remember smiling. But that time was over. And it had been since I started to tease them. The ghosts. I was strong, or at least I thought I was. When they were in our neighborhood, everybody kept themselves away from them. Everybody was scared to death. Everyone except from me. I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t fell a tear, I didn’t scream. Nothing. I was impossible to crack. Then. And it was their mission to change that. To crack me.
For every step I took I panicked more and more, I couldn’t stop shaking and I kept struggling to stop myself from throwing up. I knew what was about to happen. When the door opened I wasn’t chocked that nobody was there, it was just my usual luck. As I pushed the button that led to the second floor, everything began. I heard them throw things against the roof and the walls. I stood there, in the corner of the elevator on my way home. Just as the bird nestlings scream for help when their mother abandons them, I felt so small, lonely and helpless. Come with us, darling. Let us take care of you. The feeling of them whispering from both sides of me made me shudder. I felt so weak, like I didn’t even have the strength to carry my own body. I just wanted to collapse, feel the cold floor against my cheek. Stop thinking and stop caring. It was just too much. My brain, my body, my soul, my everything, was so tired. I needed sleep. Calmness. I slowly lay down on the floor. I let them take me. Let them rape my brain. I let them destroy me. Suddenly, I felt it. I felt the tears on my cheeks. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t resist it anymore. This was it. This was what they wanted. I fell down through the cracks to the screaming souls. As I watched the world I had once admired snatch away from me, I realized that this was the end. Boom, I was gone.

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The screaming souls, 3.5 out of 5 based on 23 ratings

1 kommentar

  1. MADunicorn Skriver:

    Dammit, I love this! Keep up the excellent job, whoever you are ;)

    VA:F [1.9.11_1134]
    Rating: 5.0/5 (2 röster cast)

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