What is my life really?

What is my life really? There is a big issue that I think about. If you think about everything I’ve been through and how I have lived once so I should be happy right now but I’m not. Point End. I really hate the way I live and work now, how could I be so damn stupid to take that job, yes, I just took it to a permanent job is a steady job and that I would not have a lot of things. But as someone said to me once, ”you never miss your old life more than when you are escaping from the” I fled, I know, but what I fled from. Because a life with lots of information, a life on the social office, a life on the employment service, a life haunted by the bailiff, a life of my loved ones, a life with lots of small jobs. I fled to avoid having to feel bad just to start a new life in another place where no one knew who I am or where I came from. You know nothing about me, they know where I lived before I came here, they know enough that I have four siblings and two parents, but nothing more, well, okay some know I just lost my grandmother. I know I do not yet have accepted that she is gone, I do not want it, why do it when I can live with that she sits in her kitchen and were doing their little things. Back to my life now, I recognize this, I go to the job in less than 1 minute, and when I finish I will go back home. I do not know how long I can, but has promised me one thing, will only work for the summer. Have calculated that there are 89 work days left. Plus minus a few depending on how it will be late. I have decided to return to my old life at least how I think now. But why should I do it, I can fix it otherwise. I want to go back and I would not be here, how the hell do I solve the problem. Move back to a country where you are ”haunted” or stay in a country where you do not feel welcome. Difficult choice yes I know, but how will other people know how I feel when I do not tell, yes it is a fairly simple answer. I have tried many times with all sorts of things, yes, but look what happened. The teachers took home the parents who in turn just shook their heads, the counselor did not know what to do, a health educator told us it further. The friends betrayal and I retreated is not understandable. I have a dream that I wish, I want to meet someone who dares to meet the person I am, who understand that one day I would not even get out of bed and the next day to stay up indefinitely. That I do not want my dog, villa, Volvo. I want to have children one day it is I’m sure but I would not be fixed in a day as the days are still the same. I demand that someone can sacrifice themselves when I’m not able to stop, that someone dares to go with on my antics and dares to stand in front of me and say stop but not for long. One who dare to resist my attacks of anger, joy and sorrow. For me, I promise when I get angry I get angry when I’m happy I’m happy and when I am sad, I’m sorry. Maybe I will not stand for what I have said and I will undo much but done is done and I can not change that. Many times I have sat on the bus or train and just gone away, come to me after the way I will not be long, money is gone how do I do now? Have found myself very terrible thoughts, both for myself and others. Do not say that I am an idiot who should be locked up, I’m an idiot that I already know and have heard it many times, but I am me and I would like very much. Sometimes the wrong things and sometimes the right things. I wish for a person who lives a life on the ”edge” if you do not understand me so thighs me explain, a person who dares to stand up for himself, who dares to cry, whine and hate people but also someone who knows what the word LOVE means. I have problems to some that I like someone but it’s not so strange after all that I have been through, it’s something I’ve learned in my years of life, it is the best protection against your heart is to turn off your feelings. Remember that, no matter how much people will hit you, threaten you, call you things, lock your heart and let your brain take a beating, then one day you dare to open your heart. But do not let anyone see and hear your memories black and white. Let all be forgotten, but sorry, no. I want to see and experience a living with difference, I do not want to live a life to schedule times. Therefore, this job will never fit me, my most recent job has been different every day and I enjoy it. Maybe I’m getting old and do not know what life is, but did not come to me that day, you sit with it all and just want out. I have a childhood that I’m proud or not. Whichever way you look at it, there are two sides, but why did no one step instead of releasing it straight up and down, it was not better but it was more sustainable place instead. Why were there only one person who I dared myself to, the more because he saw what was wrong and daring to speak up but it was too late, dear little one, it was too late. I had already decided to follow the rules of life and not do anything more. But a large query character is still how many dared do nothing, today there is talk that many live in misery with everything from drugs to violence but there is still no one does anything. I sites here and now, every day can look at the scar with memories that will never disappear. Scars that I or others created for me to remember. A person who let me down a lot, have a big scar mission for herself, she did so that I trusted her since she dared to sit there with their haves and tell it on. I wished many times that I would be part of your meetings so I could hear what was said. I hid behind a lot of others that I know and that I just helped you to hone my problem, but I did it myself, I did it because I saw that I brought to light. Do not wonder where the light came from? I can tell it came from my saved forces I picked off, I gave it all but got little back. Money is not everything, money can not give back the light. Oh yes they can it, they can pay for housing and heating etc. But they can not replace everything I have done both good and bad things. I got a task at school a few years ago and all students received it. One could write about himself in 5, 10 and 20 years. I wrote my fingers glowed. I was within 5 years have given me a good education and a good farm with many opportunities. I would have started small start up my business initially would focus to needy young people in the community from where the business would expand to help expectant families with housing and jobs, not that they could live there forever, but until they had received their education or jobs elsewhere. I would then expand so I took out all sorts of people but only those who were Swedish, call me a racist or a Nazi, but I want to help those that already exist in Sweden. After 10 years, I would have my own family with Volvo, house and dog while helping people into jobs or training or work experience. I would offer my family most of what it would like to have and feel that I have stamina left to continue the job. After 20 years, so I would start dropping operations over to my children about that or any other interested persons. I would sell the house and get me a motor home to be available but still able to explore life’s goodies. This was succinctly what I wrote then, was pretty much criticism of what I remember but I went for me and said that this was my dream. If the dream came true, I know that it did not, I am still here and feeling sorry for myself, quite rightly, I see that everyone else is growing by my good word while I shrink and miss life. That’s what I feel right now and hope that one day I can laugh at. I see myself as a single person who will be like my great-aunt, whining on other people’s children and other people who do not do as I piece. But I do not care about total in it, I want to be the one I want to get, I want a husband and kids and dogs but not a fucking Volvo, dog and house. I want to feel free and feel the love.

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